November 26, 1999
When I was little, I remember Mother remarking about my "long attention span". What a shock to discover in midlife that I have "Attention Deficit Disorder." People who don't live with me often remark about my high-level of "organizational skills" and ask me how I get everything "done!" HA! As a child, I would play for hours on whatever, mostly paperdolls, which I meticulously created from scrap paper and clothing catalogs. I also recall my "Bethy messes" which usually accumulated in doorways, because I couldn't make up my mind in which room I'd should play. I remember Mother asking me to come pick up a game I left out...and I would respond by leaving what I was doing at the moment and returning to play with the formerly neglected compilation of toys. Then she would discover my other "mess", and remind me of it. So I would go back and forth and struggle to put any of it away. When my son Brian was little, I had a replay of this...puzzles and games here and there, spread from room to room. And now I see my unfinished housework and paper projects hither and thither, and recognize the continuing pattern. I will work for HOURS filing paper until my brain hits the spin-cycle of exhaustion, and I'm forced to defeat...surrounded by a disarray, I gather up the multi-stacks of unsorted mish-mash, and heap the wearied boxes back into teetered position in my den. When I was in school, I struggled to finish my homework assignments because I spent so much work on detail. My son rarely turns his in, because he's such a perfectionist. If it's not completed, he'd rather not submit the work. And how can he finish, when so much is on his mind? Little did I know that my "long attention span" and my "attention to detail" was anything akin to "hyperactivity disorder". The link is "attention" and the coined "diagnosis" is "attention deficit disorder". And I think it exists elsewhere in my family. It's a complex syndrome, which includes the keen awareness of EVERYTHING, the desire and enthusiasm to take on projects, and the frustration in making decisions in chosing an activity and the extent in which to devote TIME and DETAIL on an activity. It includes the confidence and creativity, of being able to think through many things, but the inability to know when to stop one activity and start another. So the "long attention span" is now known to me as "hyperfocus", which is what I tend to do when I am extremely interested in an activity, to the point where I CANNOT STOP UNTIL I DROP!--or see through COMPLETION of my MASTER PLAN. The "scattered" messes accumulate because "there's never enough time". My attention to detail keeps me from finishing a project, there's too much to do. And the compulsion to "save" every detail, means I'm overwhelmed with paper and notes within my head about this and that, and CAN'T DISCARD ANY of it. As for my sleep, I tend to sleep in bursts. I don't use an alarm clock, because I wake about every hour or so and habitually look at the clock. If I need to be somewhere early in the morning, I tend to procrastinate getting to sleep and have no problem waking up, because I have this inner alarm system which tells me it's important to leave at a certain time, so I can't sleep much. I am more aware of the clock when asleep, because when I'm asleep the only thing I know I need to do is wake up on time. And when I'm awake, I'm too focused on what I NEED TO DO, that time aludes me. Normally, I wake around 7 am and go to bed around 2 or 3 am. My "slump" is in the afternoon. I'll get tired after lunch and if I rest, I'll do ok through the mid afternoon, but become extremely tired in the early evening until about 7 pm. Then I'll gradually become rested again and get my boost of energy around 10, when "normal" people are going to bed. I try to get to bed by midnight, but I'm usually not tired then, and if I force myself to go to bed, I feel annoyed and want to get things done that I can't do earlier in the evening. People have sometimes advised me to go to bed earlier in the evening so that I won't be tired in the afternoon. I occasionally try this, but it generally doesn't work for the long-haul. Unless I'm REALLY exhausted, I can't go to bed. My pattern is to wake early, rest in the afternoon and early evening, and then go to bed late. Very late--sometimes until I find myself asleep sitting up, or feel the urge to "crash" and head for the couch before I find myself on the floor. The bed is out of the question at this point, because then I'll disrupt and upset my husband's sleep. If my mind is hyperfocused on what I am doing, I might not even be aware of the fact that time is going by and I am NOT going to bed. I find instrumental music very soothing and helpful. Music helps pace me when I'm working, so that I feel motivated to keep moving and not "locked" into hyperfocus. Music helps rest me during my low points in the afternoon, and I have found music at night helpful to get me back to sleep when I wake up. If I am ever hospitalized, I hope that people will bring me music, as I find it the best medicine to lift my spirit and restore my energy. That said...goodnight. I just reached the drop zone.
Have comments?
Read more Reflections
Back to my home page