December 5, 2000

Moody

Everything has its cycles. Sometimes we're feeling great, other times ok, and other times lousy. Tonight I'm in the gray area between ok and not sure. Can you identify with that? Probably. It's one of those "universal" feelings...moody, tired, wanting to talk about it but not sure with whom or if anyone.

I decided to vent here, and want to release it rather generally, rather than revealing all the emotions and upheavals going on within me at the moment. Do you identify with the feeling? At times things seem to go well, and you might think you're being effective, and then you get some feedback...something someone says or doesn't say, or some reaction, or perhaps you just get tired, physically and mentally and need sleep or a good cry, or both.

It's a passing feeling ... I'll come out of it, probably by morning, but I'm feeling the blues of dissatisfaction and impatience with myself. None of us are perfect and I try to work on my strengths, but sometimes the other side comes out and its uncomfortable. At times like this, the flaws haunt and dominate the psyche...and I find myself dwelling on the disappointments of not measuring up to what I want to be. Or realizing that others might not see me from my perspective.....At other times I feel OK because I see where I intend to go and forgive myself for not being there yet. But times like now I face reality and see where I am right now and not content with that.

I'm also feeling anxious because there are goals I want to achieve and when I'm feeling moody, I begin to doubt if I can ever get there. Fortunately I don't allow myself to remain in this moody state long because I feel its counterproductive. If I continue to worry or threat or punish myself, or doubt my potential ability to improve ... then I've defeated myself.

So tonight I felt the need to vent these feelings. I have to acknowledge them and get them out and accept them for what they're worth.

If you identify with any of this, or perhaps want to offer your ideas for coping with this uneasy feeling of being an unperfect human in an unperfect ... yet beautiful world, I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks, I already feel better for releasing that much.

Beth